Bow To The Miracle Within

I'm 15 weeks pregnant in this picture with my yoga teacher, Courtney.

At the end of yoga class my teacher says “bow to the miracle within. Namaste.” What a  beautiful thing to say, think and act out. We all have a miracle within us. Sometimes we don’t even know it (yet), sometimes others bring it out of us and sometimes we search endlessly for it. But it’s there. Todays ultra connected world can make it hard to stop and listen to ourselves. Sometimes we seek this miracle externally, then wonder why it doesn’t appear like a light beaming down from heaven. 


I’ve made a conscious decision to find the miracle within me. Partly why you are reading this blog (and for that I thank you kindly). I believe it starts with valuing yourself. From my early teens I felt the "need" for others approval. Whether it was what I wore, the way I acted or the people I hung out with. I never stopped to value myself.. Value myself?? What's that? Says the 12-30 year old Michelle. It took some pretty hard times professionally and personally before it punched me in the face (literally) -  I need to put myself first. Otherwise that seemingly never ending cycle of negativity will keep you spiralling down. Sometimes you gotta pull your socks up and play hard ball. 


The definition of self-esteem (according to the oxford dictionary) is confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. I thought I had good self esteem, adamant that all the tickets to my show were sold out! But my actions tell a different story. I started my first full-time job in the construction industry right after my 18th birthday. To put it bluntly, you need balls. Something I learned you didn’t need to be masculine to have. I put up with so much sh*t I can’t believe I stayed there for eight and a half years. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough to do anything else (and I had a mortgage). I started studying part-time when I was 23, working towards a Bachelor of International Business. Juggling work, study and a full-time social life was a bit much to say the least. In fact, it was waaaaaaaay too much. I ended up getting alopecia and lost the hair on top of my head and a few patches above my neckline. I was devastated. It hit me harder than getting diabetes. I know it’s not the worst thing that can happen but bald patches did not make me feel good, either did the antibiotics and injections into my scalp. I was already taking 5 injections a day for my diabetes, but that seemed like nothing compared to the little scabs on my scalp. I was also prescribed the wrong antibiotics and every time I ate my heart would beat so fast all I could do was breathe deeply. Then lower the dosage to ween off them.


The doctor told me to withdraw from a couple of subjects and focus on me. She said my mind was willing to work hard, but my body was telling me something different. This should’ve been a sign back then. Thankfully, my hair grew back. And the following year I was awarded a scholarship to study overseas with my degree. It was the blessing I needed. I resigned from my job, took out a second mortgage and studied in France for 5 months. At 26, I was the oldest exchange student! My new best friend, Jaime was 25 and the rest of our friends were 19 and 20. We felt like wise old women (who still had a lot to learn). 


I thought my miracle calling would bestow itself upon me. And my passion in life would be handed to me on a silver platter. Guess they don’t serve “your lifes calling” at the local hostel, hotel, nightclub or dance festival in Amsterdam. But we tried and had a hell of a time trying.   


After 7 months in Europe, I moved to Melbourne with one suitcase and began the next chapter of my life. Sans miracle calling, all I knew was that I did not want to work in the construction industry. And what did I end up doing, I became the State Manager of a construction company. The role ticked all the boxes on a professional level, but zero in the passion department.


I poured my heart and soul into that company. I worked hard day and night. I even became a shareholder. Knowing my heart wasn't in it, drained my very being. I also suffered intense workplace harassment. After 2.5 years it was time to put myself first. I sold my shares and said goodbye. Simultaneously saying hello to my new life. 


In the months leading up to my resignation I fell in love with the man of my dreams. A southern gentleman from Alabama. I moved to Shanghai to be with him and we are now married and expecting our first baby. His passion for communication, culture, public relations and politics inspires me daily to keep searching for my true passion. But it starts within. And now I realise my responsibility for taking ownership of my miracle within.  


Self worth. What is that? Value yourself. Know your worth. Take stock of who you are and what you’ve achieved. And bow to the miracle within.